I Feel Like I Am Everything
by L.H. Knox
Summary: Quinn walks back into Rachel's life on Christmas Eve. Oneshot. Faberry. Christmas fluff.


**My beta has not seen this, and I wrote it at 2AM, so I apologize for any mistakes. Enjoy.**

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><p>Rachel loves Christmas.<p>

The Rabbi at her temple used to warn all of the children against worshipping the non-Jewish holidays, and for the most part she did. Rachel can live without Easter—being lactose intolerant, she can't even eat chocolate bunnies—and she detests Halloween. But there's just something about Christmas that sets her Jewish heart alight with happiness. Maybe it's a mixture of the bright lights and the catchy songs, or maybe because it signals a vacation from school, but whatever the reason, Rachel Berry is always happiest when there was snow on the ground and the warm holiday feeling in the air.

Her favorite tradition started during Junior Year. It had started just as a small gathering, something for the more religious kids to kill time with before they made their way to Midnight Mass. Then the next year, Kurt had asked if she was having another get-together, and Rachel couldn't just say _no. _That was the year they had started Rachel's second favorite tradition: Secret Santa.

Christmas Eve of Senior Year held a special place in Rachel's heart. It was the year she had picked Quinn's name for Secret Santa. She had bought the blonde two leather-bound notebooks and an expensive pen, both with Quinn's initials printed neatly. It was the year she had seen unadulterated gratitude in a person's eyes, and a soft smile form on the lips of someone who so rarely smiled anymore. It was the year Kurt had made her a New York City Emergency Kit, complete with a mini sewing kit and a bottle of pepper spray. Rachel will never forget that Christmas Eve, mostly because of the long, hard hug Quinn had given her, accompanied with the "Thank you" whispered into the brunette's ear.

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><p>Rachel stands in her living room, hanging the last of the decorations. She lets out a small sigh as she recalls her last three Christmases. The past three years she had outdone herself with her Christmas parties, because they were also the only time that most of the New Directions saw each other, being so busy with school and all. And despite everyone only having a short break from their hectic lives, they still all made the effort to come. That is, everyone but one Quinn Fabray.<p>

Rachel doesn't blame her; Quinn doesn't have much waiting for her in Lima, Ohio. Her parents still don't speak to her, and Rachel knows that she hates being a burden on the Jones family. So Rachel hasn't really seen Quinn since they graduated, which sort of breaks Rachel's heart. There's something about the blonde that makes Rachel's heart stop, that makes her skin catch fire. Quinn is the world. Quinn is a song that Rachel so desperately wants to learn. No matter how much time passes, Quinn is always close to the front of Rachel's mind. She's a light at the end of a tunnel Rachel isn't sure she'll ever reach the end of. Quinn Fabray is a symbol of perfection to Rachel, inspiring her to be the best she can be. She misses Quinn, and though she sent the blonde a Facebook invite, Quinn declined for the fourth year in a row. She should be used to it by now, but nothing will ever soften that disappointment Rachel feels year after year.

The doorbell rings, and Rachel goes quickly to answer it.

"I bought the keg. Let's get this thing bitchin'," Puck says, the first to walk through the door. Rachel doesn't even have to show him where to set it up, he just walks straight through to the kitchen. With him are Mike, Tina and Artie. They exchange pleasantries, but the three guests can tell there's something wrong with their hostess—her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes tonight.

"Are you okay?" Tina asks, patting the diva on the arm.

"I'm fine," Rachel replies, "just received some bad news, that's all." She wasn't going to tell her friend that she received the bad news two weeks ago, and she sure as hell wasn't going to add in the fact that Quinn not attending was the bad news.

More people come, and bring with them laughter, presents, and that Christmas vibe Rachel loves. But even the Christmas cheer can't put Rachel in a good mood.

"Come on, Rae, lighten up. It's your favorite night of the year! Smile! Lighten up!" Kurt says, his mouth filled with crackers and dip.

"I just, I really thought she'd come this year," Rachel whispered, willing herself not to cry over Quinn Fabray. Kurt pulls her in for a hug, trying to comfort the infinite hurt that fills Rachel's soul. It doesn't take an idiot to see just how in love with Quinn Rachel is, and if Quinn were around enough, she'd be able to figure it out, too. Instead, Kurt is forced to watch the small diva's heart shatter just a little more with each passing vacation in which they do not see Quinn.

It's nearing 11:30 pm, and everyone starts saying their goodbyes. As always, Rachel has thrown a killer party, and everybody has fantastic gifts from their Secret Santas. She's just started tidying up when the doorbell rings. She assumes Brittany has sent Santana back for the scarf that she's forgotten, so she takes her time answering the door. The doorbell rings again.

"Next time, don't leave your scarf—" Rachel stops mid-sentence as she sees who stands before her. Her cheeks are pink from the cold night air, and she stands only in a thin cardigan and jeans.

"Quinn."

"Rachel," the blonde breathes happily. There's a twinkle in her eye that Rachel can't exactly figure out. Rachel's frozen for a moment two, before registering the fact that it's below freezing outside, and Quinn is _not _wearing proper winter attire.

"Quinn, you're freezing to death!" Rachel exclaims, pulling Quinn into the house, and sitting her by the gas heater.

Rachel finds a blanket, and drapes it over Quinn's shoulders.

"Excuse me for seeming rude, but what the hell are you doing here?"

Quinn chuckles softly, before turning to face the brunette.

"I wasn't going to come. I hate being here for the holidays. I got in my car at midday, and stopped twice for gas. I pulled up outside about an hour ago, and have been working up the courage to come inside."

"Quinn, that's crazy! You should've come and seen everyone!"

"But I didn't want to. I only wanted to see you. There are some things we need to discuss."

Rachel doesn't know what to think. Her mind begins to race, imagining best and worst case scenarios at the same time. Quinn kissing her, Quinn shouting in her face that she hates Rachel's guts—both ideas equally terrify the small diva. Quinn continues when Rachel doesn't say anything.

"I brought you a Christmas gift."

Rachel is horrified.

"But I didn't get you anything! I didn't know you were coming!"

Quinn just laughs.

"It's okay. I didn't spend money on it. If anything, I'm actually returning something to you." Quinn puts her hand into her bag, and pulls out two brown, leather-bound, awfully familiar notebook.

"That's—"

"You gave these to me in Senior Year of high school. I filled them completely just after Christmas last year. And I want you to have them."

Quinn hands the books to Rachel, who silently opens the top one and begins to read.

"No, Quinn, I can't do this," she says, "they're too personal."

The blonde gently takes the notebook from Rachel, and opens up to a page she's clearly familiar with. She clears her throat and begins to read aloud.

"_I am nothing._

_I am a microcosm,_

_a petty individual_

_whose actions_

_in the end_

_are meaningless._

_Human ego has allowed people to believe_

_that in a universe as vast _

_and enigmatic as our own-  
>people continue to think that they matter.<em>

_I have accepted that _

_I am nothing._

_But when I look into your_

_perfect brown eyes—_

_I feel like _

_I am everything"_

Tears pool in Rachel's eyes. Quinn closes the book.

"You… you inspired every single page of writing in here," she says softly, "so it's only fitting that you keep them."

Rachel is a mess. Tears run silently down her face, creating a mascara trail. Quinn rubs them from her face with the pad of her thumb.

"I have no excuse," she continues, "for not being in your life. After high school ended, I was convinced that by ignoring that chapter of my life, I could be a different person.

"And that worked for a long time. But the one thing I could never ignore was the way you made my life worth living, even when I didn't see you on a daily basis. I'm so sorry, Rach, for not being here when I should've been. You have no idea how much I wish I could change the past.

"It was only recently that I realized that I should stop reliving the past, and attempt to imagine my future. And Rach?"

Rachel stares into the hazel eyes that seem to bore into her being.

"Yeah?"

"The only future I could imagine was one with you by my side."

This only makes Rachel cry harder.

"You couldn't even message me once, Quinn? Just to let me know you're alive and well?"

"I can't give you any excuses. They're all petty and stupid and not true. The truth is, I was so scared. I'm still fucking terrified. But I couldn't let this year end without fulfilling my New Year's Resolution."

Quinn puts a hand on Rachel's cheek, the contact electrifying for both of them. Slowly, more slowly than she's ever moved, Quinn leans in, and connects her lips to Rachel's. The second lasts a lifetime, and is over too soon for either of their likings.

"You make me want to be great, Rachel Berry."

"Now what? You've kissed me, and I'll see you maybe for another week, and then you go back to New Haven, and don't speak to me for another four years? This isn't okay, Quinn. As much as I want this to happen, as much as I love this gift, what the fuck happens next?"

Quinn just smiles. All she hears from what Rachel says is that she loves the gift and wants the same things Quinn wants.

"There's a second part to my gift," Quinn says, "I've been accepted into NYU's Masters program. I'll be moving to New York in the fall."

"That's almost a year away."

"And in between then and now, I'll catch trains to see you, and I'll call you every single day and I'll love you as much as my heart allows."

Rachel leans back in, kissing Quinn with all of her might.

"It's a goddamn Christmas miracle," says a voice from the doorway. The girls break apart, and see Santana standing by the door, Brittany's scarf in her hand.

"My lady forgot this. Don't let me disturb you," she adds with a wink. Quinn rolls her eyes and Rachel laughs but neither of them say anything, because this whole thing _does _feel like a miracle, even is Santana's comment was sarcastic.

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><p>Rachel loves Christmas. She loves the lights and the music and the endless possibilities. She loves the miracles and the magic, and the warmth that settles even in the harshest winter airs.<p>

But as Rachel stares at Quinn's pure smile, she thinks that maybe there's something she could love even more than Christmas. And it's sitting on the couch beside her.


End file.
